I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
