OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
