i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Randomize
