I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
