craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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