Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
