I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
