We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I deserve this hangover.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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