Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
