I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
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he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
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You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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