I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
