I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
