was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Randomize
