I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
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He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
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My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
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