"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
