Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
