my mouth tastes like poor choices
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
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