I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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