I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
