thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
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