you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
