i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
