i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
