Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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