walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Terrible idea I love it
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
