Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Me. At least after what I've been through.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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