He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
vagina is talking i cant
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Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
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Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
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