the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
