After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
