Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?