just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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