Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Randomize
