You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
