If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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