Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
