and you said cock pushups were impossible
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
