That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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