I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
