Texts From Last Night

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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.

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  (856): Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks. http://tfl.nu/z00s
  Replies (9) Good night (2764) Bad night (626)
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me

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  (678): I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me http://tfl.nu/yjun
  Replies (7) Good night (1296) Bad night (2534)
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen

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  (864): I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen http://tfl.nu/n18y
  Replies (34) Good night (6998) Bad night (1590)
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.

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  (231): Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk. http://tfl.nu/0k6c
  Replies (5) Good night (4749) Bad night (874)
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.

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  (402): She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking. http://tfl.nu/91x5
  Replies (17) Good night (1974) Bad night (5637)
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys

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  (970): He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys http://tfl.nu/pzx8
  Replies (4) Good night (1138) Bad night (2452)
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."

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  (613): I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.." http://tfl.nu/n3mo
  Replies (4) Good night (3354) Bad night (1002)
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment

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  (604): I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment http://tfl.nu/wq23
  Replies (10) Good night (2427) Bad night (1174)
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!

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  (724): I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw! http://tfl.nu/e9vz
  Replies (14) Good night (3483) Bad night (861)
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...

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  (602): This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today... http://tfl.nu/mxzm
  Replies (3) Good night (1526) Bad night (601)
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  And the results, officer?

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  She's fucked.

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  (401): I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle. (978): And the results, officer? (401): She's fucked. http://tfl.nu/1koh
  Replies (6) Good night (1252) Bad night (451)
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  (805): View more from California

  I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift

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  (805): I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift http://tfl.nu/may0
  Replies (0) Good night (584) Bad night (344)
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  (207): View more from Maine

  I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.

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  (207): I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked. http://tfl.nu/3l0v
  Replies (2) Good night (732) Bad night (326)
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  (587): View more from Alberta

  We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.

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  (587): We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator. http://tfl.nu/8kzg
  Replies (2) Good night (512) Bad night (261)
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  (949): View more from California

  And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."

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  (949): And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas." http://tfl.nu/itxl
  Replies (3) Good night (852) Bad night (266)

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