She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents