I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
