If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night