Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I think I sprained my soul last night
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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