Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
