he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
