Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
