If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?