my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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