I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
