I just threw up on my dentist
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
