when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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