Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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