There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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