I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
