And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
