Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
