when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
i now understand why vodka
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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