I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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