there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
