I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
