Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
He felt like a one man threesome
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
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Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
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I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
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