I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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